guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
