I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
