Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
