yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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