I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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