Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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