and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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