Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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