He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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