I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
