you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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