hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i am craving dick and cupcakes
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
