I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
