I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
