sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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