Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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