she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
