Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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