Little spoons don't ask big questions
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
