Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
