I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
