Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
