In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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