I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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