just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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