Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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