Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
