Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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