i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize