When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
