My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize