She is in my trunk
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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