I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
