I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
