My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
