i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
