New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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