Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
