Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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