I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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