You just made me feel so damn special
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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