Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
