The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Terrible idea I love it
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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