Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
