How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
