Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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