he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
