the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
