Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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