just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
