Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
