How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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