I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
