Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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