11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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