first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
