i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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