I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
