i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
