So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
