Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I believe in your delicious
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
