Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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