I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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