drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
