It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
